If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
