I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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