what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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