I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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