I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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