I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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