You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
