I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
