I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
