oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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