question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I checked into jail on foursquare
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
