Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
