I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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