we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
