Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
