I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
