I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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