Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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