I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
We got so high we made milksteak
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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