you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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