Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
