i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
