I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
