I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
