I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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