it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
