i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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