She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
