i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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