I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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