well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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