i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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