hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
