they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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