my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
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Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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