Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
