the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
