I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
