ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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