Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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