My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
