I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
