i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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