What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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