Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
