You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.