His apartment number was 69. I had to.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
