I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
