Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
