How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am naked and annoyed.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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