Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
