my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
ttyl tear gas
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
