Dude my mom stole all your condoms
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
