There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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