It's like a parade of train wrecks.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
