All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You've changed since you got that strap on
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
