Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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