now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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