I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
