I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
