I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hippo gnu deer
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Randomize
