Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
